The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize