My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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