Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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