i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Randomize
