I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
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