Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
