I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
