4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
