They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Randomize
