Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
