i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Randomize
