I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize