i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I am one with the molecules
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
