Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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