I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
