never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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