No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
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