put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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