I heard we made out
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Randomize
