wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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