She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
