so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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