I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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