I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I need a burrito and a hug.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize