my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
