He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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