I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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