bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
