Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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