I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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