I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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