my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
