Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
