So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Semen is not good for contacts.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
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