im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize