i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Randomize