I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
