I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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