careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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