if you like me you must not know who I am
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
You dont lie about slip and slides
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
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