I like to think it a success when the cops are called
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
