So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
