Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
i wish my penis had a tongue
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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