And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
