That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
