I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize