I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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