sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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