filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
