Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
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