Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
