If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
