I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
My bed smells like the plague
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
