Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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