Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
