i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
