i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
