he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
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