I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
