i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Randomize
