I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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