i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
