Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
