so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
