note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
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