do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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