I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
