my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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